OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
