there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
