You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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