just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
