I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
