I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
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i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
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I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.