So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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