you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.