he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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