I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
