I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
