I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
