i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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