do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
