ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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