My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
