What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
