Please, let me fuck your mom
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
