ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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