I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize