I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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