Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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