just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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