I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
