I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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