I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize