Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
