Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
