You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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