I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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