I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
