It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
