Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
