I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
