I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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