They should really pass out barf bags in church
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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