I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
