Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
