i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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