Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
