He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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