So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
