how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
