Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
