im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He shit in the fireplace
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
