theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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