I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
