Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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