Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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