The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
