Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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