Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I am one with the molecules
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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