9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
