i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
thus making me awesome and them whores
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
