if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
