I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Randomize
