well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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