So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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