just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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