fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
