I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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