Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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