I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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